The bad j/k thread...

[Rukee]

If you have um...list them here!!



A guy comes down to the lobby bar at a huge motel and goes in for a drink. He tells the bartender that him and his new bride are here on their honeymoon. The bartender asks why aren`t you back at the room consummating your marage??
Oh-I can`t do that the man said, she has gonorrhea!
Well, the bartender says, you could always use the back door....
Oh-I can`t do that either, she has diarea.
The bartender trys again....well you could maybe do that oral thing....
I can`t do that either, she has pyorrhea!!
Well, why the heck did you marry her then?? asks the bartender.
.... she has worms and I love to fish.





If you have a donkey and I have a rooster and your donkey ate the legs off my rooster, what would you have???

-2 feet of my c ock up your ass.

[flexkill]

guy go's to the doctor in a panic, and when the doctor see's him, the guy keeps telling him my penis doc it's ruined. The doc tells him to calm down and let him have a look. When the doc looks at it he is shocked and asks the man how this happened. The man starts to explain that he had the hots for this girl at his work and one day he decided to follow her home. He did this for several days and noticed a pattern. Everyday she would get off work and on her walk home she would stop and buy a good bananna and a rotton bananna. She would eat the good bananna on the way home and save the rotton one. This intrigued the man so one day he decides to peep in her window to see what was up with the rotton bananna. He noticed she had stuck the bananna in a hole in the floor and started doing pushups on it! So the next day he followed her home as usual, but this time he had snuck in a window in her basement...and when she stuck the rotton bananna in the floor he pulled it out and stuck his penis through the hole in the floor!!! The doc says "so how did your penis get in such bad shape"? The man explains, well it was all going as planned and felt great.....but the somone knocked on the door and she tried to kick the bananna under the fridge!!!! :yikes:

[RotorHead]

There were these three really bored guys, they had the typical summer time blues. One day while sitting around trying to think of things to do…..the first guy says…lets play football. The other two said…..nawww, we did that yesterday. The second guy says….lets play baseball. The other two said….nawww, we did that two days ago. The third guy says…..Hey, lets shoot corks out of our butts. The others say…cool never done that before.

Having finally figured out what to do, the first guy says ….I bet I can shoot my cork a mile. So he eats a couple packs of ex-lax…..starts straining and POP….shoots his cork a mile. The second guy says…I can top that, I’ll shoot my cork two miles. So he downs a whole box of ex-lax…..he starts pushing and straining then POP….shoots his cork two miles.

Well, the third guy, not wanting to lose this contest says…..I can top both of you no problem. So he munches down on a whole case of ex-lax…..he starts grunting, pushing and straining but nothing happens. Having lost the contest because he couldn’t get his cork to pop out, the three guys decide to call it a day and go home.

The next morning the third guy wakes up and sees a small hole in his ceiling. Thinking nothing of it, he continues on with his morning and goes out to get the paper.





The headline reads; ESKIMO KILLED IN ALASKA BY CORK DURING CRAP STORM

[Jim]

(((Ring - Ring)))


Hello.


Hi Honey. This is daddy. Is Mommy near the Phone?


No Daddy. She's upstairs with Uncle Frank.


(((Pause)))


Daddy says,"But Honey, you haven't got an Uncle

Frank."


"Oh yes I do. He's upstairs in the room with Mommy

right now."


(((Pause)))


Ok then, this is what I want you to do.. Put the

phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the

bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just

pulled into the driveway.


"Okay Daddy, just a minute." A few minutes later the

little girl came back to the phone and said, "I did it

Daddy".


"And what happened honey?", Daddy asked.


"Well Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no

clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped

over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she

isn't moving at all."


"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"


"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too. He was

all scared and jumped out the back window into the

swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you

took the water out of the pool last week to clean it.

He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he is dead."


(((Looooong Pause)))


Then Daddy said, "Hey wait......Swimming pool?......Is this

555-7039?" :p

[Android Vageta]

There are two muffins in an oven.

One muffin turns to the other muffin and says, "Its getting hot in here."

The other muffin turns to the other and screams, "HOLY CRAP A TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

[Just Learnin']

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."


Priest asks "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?"


"Yes, Father, it is"


"And, who was the woman you were with?"


"I can't be tellin' you Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."


"Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now"


Was it Brenda O'Malley?"


"I cannot say," Timmy replied.


"Was it Patricia Kelly?"


"I'll never tell."


"Was it Sheilah O'Brien?"


"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her"


"Was it Kathleen Morgan?"


"My lips are sealed."


"Was it Fiona Grogan, then"


"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."


The priest sighs in frustration.


"You're a steadfast lad, Timmy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned

and you must atone. You cannot attend church Mass for three months.

Be off with you now"


Timmy walks back to his pew.


His friend, Sean, slides over and whispers "What'd you get?"


"THREE MONTH'S VACATION AND FIVE GOOD LEADS."

[Just Learnin']

Socrates

We should all live by this!
Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Three?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and left, ashamed.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

[Rukee]

Two older Grandmas are walking around out side and it start to sprinkle. The first old lady takes a condom out of her purse and puts it over her cigarette. The second lady stares intently and asks is that what they`re for?? They work great for that says the first lady.
So the next day the second Grandma is in the drug store at the condom shelf looking them over when the pharmacist comes to help.
"What size do you need?" asks the man.
To which Grandma replys "I need one to fit a Camel"

[RubberDuck]

Walking into his favorite bar, Mike said to the Bartender, "Pour me a
stiff
one.
I just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Fred. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over, " Mike replied, "she came to me on her
hands and
knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chicken s***. :lol: :lol:

[nutcase]

Official Announcement:

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.



Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

[RotorHead]

/\
||
||
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Now thats funny !!! :lol: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

[malinois1]

Yep very funny. It wouldn't be so funny if it was not so damn true :beat:

[Just Learnin']

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks theboy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that....that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh** again, you're in my closet now."

[Sir Golitech]

2 guys walk into a bar, you'd think one of them would have seen it.

What's the difference between a$$ kissing and brown nosing?
Depth perseption.

[Just Learnin']

Making Love
The Italian says,
"When I've a finished a making da love withah my wife, I go down and gently
tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in
ecstacy."

The Frenchman replies. zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love
with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body, and zen Ah lick za soles of
her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure
ecstasy."

The redneck says,
"That aint nothing. When I've finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of
bed, walk over to the winder
and wipe my weener on the curtains. She hits the freakin' ceiling

[flexkill]

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

[malinois1]

:lol: :lol: Hey I resemble that remark :eek:

[Just Learnin']

:lol: :lol: Hey I resemble that remark :eek:

Hawk made me do it!!!! :yup: :hide: ( disclaimer: Any similarities either real or imagined.......) :rotflmao:

[majistic]

There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "F*CK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer f*ck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

[Rukee]

Why does a chickin coupe have 2 doors???




-cause if it had 4 doors it`d be a chicken sedan.

[Just Learnin']

Why does a chickin coupe have 2 doors???




-cause if it had 4 doors it`d be a chicken sedan.

Choke gag ungh!! Now I see where you got the name for this thread !!! :eek: :bonk: :hide:

[Just Learnin']

Self explanatory!

[Sir Golitech]

HTTPWROFLOL

Now that is a sonofabitch

[Sir Golitech]

You don't know jack schitt.

http://home.pacbell.net/diana_do/knowjack.htm

[Snafu]

:lol:

I love the toons here (http://www.illwillpress.com/vault.html)

[Just Learnin']

Redneck Christmas Deer

[Snafu]

Man that is too good :rock:

I think I am going to go get me one of those (yeah to get to my house you have to turn off the paved road)

[Just Learnin']

Oh Crap !!!?

[Rukee]

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0.

I soon noticed that the new program began with unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please HELP!!!

Thanks,

A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)

_______________________________________________

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very, very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance! Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1, Hugs 4.3 and Diamonds 5.0 ! !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,

Tech Support

[Pointhore]

Three Ladies in a Hot tub

Three women, one German, one Japanese and a hillbilly, were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager," she said. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm"

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The hillbilly woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The hillbilly woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that. I’m gettin’ a fax."

[flex22]

Body: I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for
> > the following reasons:
> >
> > 1) I do physical labor.
> > 2) I work at great depths.
> > 3) I plunge head first into everything I do.
> > 4) I do not get weekends or public h! olidays off.
> > 5) I work in a damp environment.
> > 6) I work in a dark workplace that has poor
> > ventilation.
> > 7) I work in high temperatures.
> > 8) My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
> >
> > Sincerely, Penis
> >
> >
> > Dear Penis,
> >
> > After assessing your request, and considering the
> > arguments you have raised,
> > the administration rejects your request for the
> > following reasons:
> >
> > 1) You do not work 8 hours straight.
> > 2) You fall asleep after brief work periods.
> > 3) You do not always follow the orders of the
> > management team.
> > 4) You do not stay in your designated area and are
> > often seen visiting other
> > locations.
> > 5) You do not take initiative--you need to be
> > pressured and stimulated in
> &g! t; order to start working.
> > 6) You leave the workplace rather messy at the end
> > of your shift.
> > 7) You don't always observe necessary safety
> > regulations, such as wearing
> > the correct protective covering.
> > 8) You will retire well before you are 65.
> > 9) You are unable to work double shifts.
> > 10) You sometimes leave your designated work area
> > before you have completed
> > the assigned task.
> > 11) And if that were not all, you have been seen
> > constantly entering and
> > exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious
> > looking bags.

[Just Learnin']

What the?!

[nutcase]

time to bring this back up with some jokes :mischeif:

[Joke] 10 Signs You Should Ask for a Raise

1. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in
hysterical laughter.
2. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.
3. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift
stores.
4. You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps.
5. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for
your Easter ham.
6. All you can think about morning, noon and night is where you can find
more grocery coupons.
7. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, "Charity
Case -- Return To Sender."
8. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young
America, Minnesota.
9. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and
it goes into shock.
10. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a
beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns
the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt and said "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you
would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was about
dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him
drink it. Soon Silver was starting to feel better. The Lone Ranger turned
to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you
can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar
to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into
the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with
him this time?"

The cowboy says to him, "Nothin' much, I just wanted you to
know....you left your Injun running.

______________________________________________________________________________________

"Oh, No!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40
years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived
he did not know.

He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would
find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from
turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded. Walking
was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He
moved ahead slowly.

"Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several
times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did.
Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut
tighten.

He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light
but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his
hand. He jerked it away.

In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!"

From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad,"
he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for
heaven's sake, clean up this room."

[nutcase]

Problems with apartment

It is difficult to be a landlord, with all of these people whining!

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't
take it anymore.

3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am
his **** wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my
fence.

7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my
wife.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path?
My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain
filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour &
not fit to drink.

16. I want some repairs done to my oven as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off.

17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.

18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third
so please send someone round to do something about it.

19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put
his foot in the hole in his back passage.

20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

[Just Learnin']

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


A New Wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

[Just Learnin']

Not a joke but still pretty funny...........

STUN GUN STORY


OMG Im still wiping the tears funny

This is a long one but worth the read! - funny


Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head ****ed to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. that hurt!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock Mick

[DaveT]

:lol:

I love the toons here (http://www.illwillpress.com/vault.html)
lmao good find Snaf

[DaveT]

Not a joke but still pretty funny...........

STUN GUN STORY


OMG Im still wiping the tears funny

This is a long one but worth the read! - funny


Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head ****ed to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-.. that hurt!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock Mick

:lol: :lol: :lol: omg i couldnt stop laughing

[Just Learnin']

Substitute place names with your locale:

NTSB Test

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the Canadian auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in selected four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find that in most towns in Canada the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh,****! ".

Only the places like Dauphin, Fisher Branch, Wabowden, Beausejour and Selkirk, Manitoba, were different where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."

[Just Learnin']

Canadian hunters don't need ATV's. We just find 'em tame 'em and ride 'em back home! (Just a joke BB_One :o )

[Just Learnin']

Couple more...
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Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.


Money spent:

Oil Change $20.00

Coffee $1.00

Total $21.00

==========================================================

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cussing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during previous steps.

35) Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.



Money spent:



Parts $50.00

DUI $2500.00

Impound fee $75.00

Bail $1500.00

Beer $40.00

Total -- $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!

One More....

A man was in a long line at Target. As he got to the register he
realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout
girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, "What size condoms?"

The customer replied that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his pants.

He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over
the intercom,
"One box of large condoms, Register 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of
us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he
told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and
asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his pants.

He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said,
"One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had
seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact
with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got
to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him
to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave
him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...



(you'll love this one...................)





"Cleanup, Register 5"

[RyderOCZ]

"Cleanup, Register 5":lol: :rotflmao: :lol: :rotflmao: :lol: :rotflmao: :lol: :rotflmao: :lol: :rotflmao:

:thumb:

[Just Learnin']

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking."


"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When
your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from
another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is
your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."


"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.


"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.


"Normally we can, but OHIP will only pay for these expensive tests one
time."


"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"


"The people at OHIP recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in
the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

[evilangel]

One day a cowboy, walked into a saloon
He strools up to the bar and asks the bartender for a drink
The cowboy notices a jar full of money standing on the bar, so he asks the bartender what the jar of money was for.
The bartender replied: See that donkey outside if you can make him laugh you will get all the money.
So the cowboy strolls outside and whispers in the donkeys ear and the donkey starts bellowing with laughter.
The cowboy walks back into the saloon and collects his money.
the bartender asks what did he say to the donkey and the cowboy replied I can't tellyou it is a secret.

three years pass and the same cowboy strolled back into the saloon.
and yet again there was another jar of money so he asked the bartender what it was there for and he replied three years ago you made that donkey laugh and he has been laughing ever since. this time if you can make that donkey cry you will get all the money like last time.
The cowboy strolls out to the donkey and next thing you know the donkey starts crying it's ass off. the cowboy strolls back into the saloon to collect his money.
the bartender happily hands over the cash and asks three years ago you made that donkey laugh you come back and make him cry tell me how did you do it.
The cowboy replied three years ago I told that donkey I had bigger nuts than him and he laughed this time i showed him

[DaveT]

One day a cowboy, walked into a saloon
He strools up to the bar and asks the bartender for a drink
The cowboy notices a jar full of money standing on the bar, so he asks the bartender what the jar of money was for.
The bartender replied: See that donkey outside if you can make him laugh you will get all the money.
So the cowboy strolls outside and whispers in the donkeys ear and the donkey starts bellowing with laughter.
The cowboy walks back into the saloon and collects his money.
the bartender asks what did he say to the donkey and the cowboy replied I can't tellyou it is a secret.

three years pass and the same cowboy strolled back into the saloon.
and yet again there was another jar of money so he asked the bartender what it was there for and he replied three years ago you made that donkey laugh and he has been laughing ever since. this time if you can make that donkey cry you will get all the money like last time.
The cowboy strolls out to the donkey and next thing you know the donkey starts crying it's ass off. the cowboy strolls back into the saloon to collect his money.
the bartender happily hands over the cash and asks three years ago you made that donkey laugh you come back and make him cry tell me how did you do it.
The cowboy replied three years ago I told that donkey I had bigger nuts than him and he laughed this time i showed him

:lol: :rotflmao: same thing worked with my neighbor:hide:

[Just Learnin']

Three guys are in a plane, flying over some islands when suddenly the pilot says he's gonna crash and bails out with a parachute. The three guys are left in the plane and crash onto an abondoned island... or so they think.

Soon after they get out of the wreckage, a bunch of natives come and take them to their leader who says, "You three are trespassing on our island and thus, we must kill you unless you proove your worthiness!" Of course, since the guys wanted to live they asked, "How can we proove ourselves?" and the leader said, "Go out into the forest and bring back 10 fruits of the same sort back here and we shall find out..."

So the guys go running into the forests and the first one brings back ten apples. The leader smiles and says, "To proove yourself, you must now put all ten of these apples in your ass. However, if you laugh while doing this, we WILL kill you". The guy, even though sorta disturbed by the notion starts doing as he's told... 1... 2... 3... but on the fourth, he can't help it and laughs and they kill him.

The second guy comes with 10 rasberries and again, he must do the same so he starts putting them in his rectum. 1.. 2... 3... 4... all the way to 9 but just before he put in the last one, he starts laughing and the natives kill him.

Both the first and second guy meet in heaven and the first guy asks, "Dude, why did you start laughing? You were almost saved and could have survived!" And to this, the second guy answers "Awww well I just saw the third guy coming with pineapples".

[Just Learnin']

A six-year-old boy asks: "Daddy, how was I born?"

Father: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway so Here
goes! Your mother and I first got together in a "chat room" on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-café.
We sneaked into a secluded room where your mother agreed to a download from
my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither
one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete
button, nine month later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: "You got
Male".

[nutcase]

A six-year-old boy asks: "Daddy, how was I born?"

Father: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway so Here
goes! Your mother and I first got together in a "chat room" on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-café.
We sneaked into a secluded room where your mother agreed to a download from
my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither
one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete
button, nine month later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: "You got
Male".

:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :beat:

[nutcase]

New disease A.A.A.D.D.

AND NOW FOR MY ANNOUNCEMENT....
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is an incredibly debilitating disease.

This is how it manifests itself:
I decide to water my garden
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought
up from the mailbox earlier.I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
I realize the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and
suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back
in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the driveway is flooded
the car isn't washed,
the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
there is still only one check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses ,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled
because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor, will you?
Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who I have sent it to!!!!

[flexkill]

:lol:

[Just Learnin']

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are *VERY *difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are *ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE* to say when you're
drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.

b) Nope, no more booze for me.

c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.

d) No kebab for me, thank you.

e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?

f) I'm not interested in fighting you.

g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.

h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.

i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the
street.

j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

[flexkill]

:look:

[flexkill]

:beat:

[liquidcooled]

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."


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A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."


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An eight-year-old boy went into a grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," said the grocer. "It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it. A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer said he was sorry, but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle!"


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A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."


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While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?"

"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"


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A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore ..." The man sighs and says, "It's started ..."


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How about the two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a retired professor of history. Their wives had talked them into a two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting around on the porch of the hotel watching the sun set. The history professor said to the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?" To which the professor of psychology said, "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs."


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An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."


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A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me," she asked the rather elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "one of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater."


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The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.

None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.

The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique. "Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."


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Two guys rob a store, they burst out the door running as they hear the sirens of cop cars coming closer. The two dive into two separate bushes hoping they won't get caught. Soon the cop cars stop near the bushes and the two robbers hearing foot steps grow more nervous. A cop then grabs one of the guys out the bush laughing "Busted". As he drags the robber off he looks back shaking his head in shame... "Come on John!!!!!!!!" he screams "They got US!"


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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says "You must be a manager."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."


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A philosophy professor stood before her class and had some items in front of her. When the class began, silently she picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks. She then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. She then asked the students again if the jar was full. They again agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. Now, said the professor, I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

But then... A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. The moral of this tale is that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.


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One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Tim and the thief were began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Tim's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Tim was 25 cents. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Tim why he had bothered to fight so hard for a 25 cents. "Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"

[Just Learnin']

Today's Smile :chit:

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's' bottom.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,

'Hey, this looks like yours!"

"I don't remember much after that ."

[malinois1]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen.
Aleve is also called Naproxen.
Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and
Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
Also considered were
Mycoxafailin,
Mydixadrupin,
Mydixarizin,
Dixafix, and of course,
Ibepokin.


Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Col a as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "****tails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.


Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Just Learnin']

:) :chit: :lol: :rotflmao: :thumb:

[Rukee]

A man who was being audited by the IRS, after meeting with his accountant goes in to see the IRS agent. Seems the IRS wants an addition 20 grand from this guy, so the guys says to the IRS auditor I`ll bet you the 20 grand I owe that I can bite my own eye. The IRS guys says that`ll never happen...so the man pulls out a fake eye and bites, puts it back. The IRS guy is like, that`s cute but you still owe the 20 thou....
The guy says tell you what, double or nothing I bet I can bite my other eye...the IRS guy is thinking to himself...he walked in here...he has to be able to see....so...let`s see how your going to do this. The guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his other eye with them. That`s just not right the IRS guys says....
Okay, says the man, one more, last time here, I`ll bet you the whole 20 grand that I can stand on your desk and p!ss into that trash can across the room over 40 feet away. The IRS guy says your on, you`ll never hit that. So the guy stands up on the desk and tries like heck to hit the trash can, but it barely travels any distance at all. Hahaha the IRS guys says....I knew you couldn`t do it!!
That`s alright the guy says, I bet my accountant 20 grand I could p!ss all over your desk and you wouldn`t do anything about it. :p

[Rukee]

An unattractive, mean spirited woman barged into Walmart with her two
kids. Shoving her way past several customers waiting to get carts, she
demanded of the Walmart Greeter, "Go through those carts and find me
one that doesn't need oiling for once!"

"Yes, Ma'am, happy to oblige," said the Greeter. He chose a cart for her.
"Here you are, Ma'am. I hope this one is okay.'

"If you'd move out of the way, I could find out!" snapped the woman.

"Sorry, Ma'am," the Greeter said, standing aside. "You and the twins
have a nice day."

The woman halted. "They're not twins, you moron! They don't even look
alike."

The greeter agreed. "No they don't, Ma'am. I just find it hard to believe you got
laid twice."

[Just Learnin']

:) :wpleased: :D :lol: :rotflmao:

[Rukee]

Little Red Riding Hood.

Little red riding hood was strolling through the woods on her way to grandmas house when a bunny jumps out on the path and says "Little Red Riding Hood, the big bad wolf is going to rip off your dress and lick your titties!" Little red riding hood sets her basket down, folds back the top cover and removes a Colt 45 and shows it to the Bunny, "I`m prepared" she says, put the gun back and continues on her way. A little further a deer comes out on the trail and explains "Little Red Riding Hood, the big bad wolf said he`s going to rip off your dress and lick your titties!" Little Red says "Don`t worry, I have a gun and I know how to use it." ...down the trail she goes. She gets to a spot that rounds the corner next to a big rock and out pops the big bad wolf..."I`m going to rip off your dress and lick your titties"
Little Red riding Hood puts the basket down, removes the 45 and points it at the big bad wolf, lifts one foot onto the rock in a very provocative position and says "You`re gunna eat me like the story says!"

[flexkill]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he''d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I''m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl''s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

[Rukee]

Pres. Bush was at a press conference and was told that two Brazilians had lost there life in a weather related incident, Bush was herd asking..."How many is a Brazilian?"

[Just Learnin']

:chit:

[Space-Junky]

What did the toilet say to the shower???

Stop crying, i get the s***... :o :look:

[Just Learnin']

They Walk Among Us

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old
fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home.You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed
the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.
Caution... They Walk Among Us!-
====================-
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted...."Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said..."where??? They Walk among us!!-
====================-
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff. They Walk Among Us!!-
====================-
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . .They Walk Among Us!!!-
-====================-
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving".
They Walk Among Us!!!!-

====================-
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk...

They Walk among Us!!!!!-

====================-
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.... They Walk Among Us!!!!!!-

[Sir Golitech]

They Walk Among Us

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old
fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home.You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed
the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.



:rotflmao: :rotflmao:
Good one JL

[Just Learnin']

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because?of hectic schedules, it was difficult to co-ordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and he glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Date: Thursday, October 13, 2004
Subject: I have Arrived!

Dearest Love:
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS ..... Sure is freaking hot down here!!

[Snafu]

It was my first time ever
And I'll never forget
I'd do it again
Without a single regret.

The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were all alone
Just she and I.

Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do.

Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine.

I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast.

I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart.

And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came.






At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...

[Just Learnin']

:lol: Only you Snafu! :coocoo:

[Snafu]

What else do you think we do in the boonies :lol:

Here's some funny facts

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A ****roach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(so how much can you lift?)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

[Just Learnin']

:lol: Only you Snafu! :coocoo:

At the risk of repeating myself! :bow:

[Just Learnin']

Have You seen my cat?? Please help me find him. This is the last photo taken of him before he vanished

http://img165.imageshack.us/img165/1033/picture2qg7.jpg

Err Snafu!?? :scratch:

[Snafu]

Nope - never saw him :rolleyes:

[Just Learnin']

Yeah the ear is different I'll give you that.... hmmmm... http://www.bleedinedge.com/forum/image.php?u=726&dateline=1162439980

[Snafu]

<burp> tastes like kitte....ooops, I mean...chicken :D

[Just Learnin']

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: Your just going to be hungry again in half an hour! :yup: Kitteeee oh kitteeeee! :look:

[Rukee]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[Snafu]

:rotflmao:

[Rukee]

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store!

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

[Snafu]

Mrs. Snafu says "That's awful!" and I am LMAO!

[Mrs. B]

Last year at Christmas time, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional holiday feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store and asked if my sister wouldn't mind going out to get it.

When my sister left the house, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the mixed stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey.. then re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back into the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of

total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Barbara, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry hysterically.
It took the entire family almost two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!


. . . . . . Yes, my sister is a BLONDE

[Snafu]

LMAO!!! That is such a great prank!

[Just Learnin']

Turkeys lay eggs??! :look: :scratch:

[Just Learnin']

My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.
Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather. Thank God our kids were with me at the Beach House this weekend.

The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: Judy was flying a single engine aircraft in IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.

The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board. No one on the ground was injured.

Photographs below were taken at the scene show the extent of damage to her aircraft.

She was very lucky.

















http://img76.imageshack.us/img76/8986/planess9.jpg

[Just Learnin']

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one
of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is
in the 3rd grade, and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's
office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to
the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks
he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him,
and he agreed to take the test.


Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd
grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry
can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some
questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only
two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not
have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop
the answer,

Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does
sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that
means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!"

[Rukee]

I GOT STOPPED FOR SPEEDING THE OTHER DAY.

I THOUGHT I COULD TALK MY WAY OUT OF IT UNTIL THE COP LOOKED AT MY DOG IN THE BACK SEAT.








http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v675/Rukee/speeding.jpg

[Snafu]

Two homeless guys are walking along the railroad tracks and one says to the other, "I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world".

"Why is that?" says the other one.

"Well, I'm walking down the tracks last week and I find $50 in a wallet, got some booze and stayed drunk for a day and a half.

The other guy says, "Yeah, alright, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down the tracks about two weeks ago, found a gorgeous naked chick tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had my way for two days!"

"You are the luckiest guy; did you get some 'head' too?" asked the first guy.

"Well", the other guy said, "No, I never found her head."

[Just Learnin']

Love the look on this dog's face :lol:


http://img294.imageshack.us/img294/295/image001ox9.jpg

[Timber Jockey]

>WHAT HAPPENS TO BORED HUSBANDS IN WALMART
>
>Ever wonder what happens when you get separated from
>your husband Wal-Mart?
>
>The following letter was sent to a long time patron of
>a local Wal-Mart Store. After receiving this letter,
>she vowed that she would NEVER take her husband
>shopping with her again!!!
>
>January 12, 2006
>
>Re: Mr. Bill Fenton: Multiple Complaints
>
>Dear Mrs. Fenton,
>
>Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill
>Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our
>store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior
>and have considered banning the entire family from
>shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all
>incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three
>of our clerk s are attending counseling from the
>trouble your husband Has caused. All complaints
>against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed
>below.
>
>Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse is
>shopping:
>
>1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put
>them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
>
>2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to
>go off at 5-minute intervals.
>
>3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
>leading to the restrooms.
>
>4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in
>an official tone, Code 3 in housewares..... and
>watched what happened.
>
>5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put
>a bag of M&M's on layaway.
>
>6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to
>a carpeted area.
>
>7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping
>department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in
>if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
>
>8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help
>him, he begins to cry and asks 'Why can't you people
>just leave me alone?'
>
>9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera;
>used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
>
>10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting
>department, asked the clerk if he knows where the
>antidepressants are.
>
>11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously
>loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
>
>12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his
>"Madonna look" using different size funnels.
>
>13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when
>people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
>
>14. December 21: When an announcement came over the
>loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and
>screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
>
>(And, last, but not least!)
>
>15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the
>door and waited while; then, yelled, very loudly,
>"There is no toilet paper in here."

[DaveT]

>
>3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
>leading to the restrooms.


:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :lol: :lol: :lol: :bow:

[Snafu]

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."
Something along my thinking. Gonna have to do this at any store :mischeif:

Now speaking of Walmart you gotta browse through this page (http://www.phonelosers.org/wal-mart/) for a hoot! Found this site after reading this story (http://www.mentallyincontinent.com/modules.php?name=News&file=article&sid=120). This guy sure did them good!

[Rukee]

Why is Santa always so happy/jolly??






Cause he knows where all the naughty girls live. :mischeif: :chit:

[bf2nut]

Socrates

We should all live by this!
Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Three?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and left, ashamed.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.



:eek:

[Jim]

NEVER CHOKE IN A SOUTHERN RESTAURANT
Two hillbillies, Ed and Red, walk into a bar. While having a shot of
whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to
cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real
distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman
shakes her had no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and
shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks
down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his
tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver',
but I ain't never seen nobody do it!"

[Snafu]

Rotflmao!!!

[Just Learnin']

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and
in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant. Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!" The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "Just messing with you. She's dead.
What'd you shoot?"

[Snafu]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
discovers that he's lost.

Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says,
"Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts... age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullcrap and brilliance only come with age and experience.

:rock:

[evilangel]

A Malaysian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a
different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and
asks "What do they do here?" He is told "First they put you in an
electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for
another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest
of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.

He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.
He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German
hell.

Then he comes to the Malaysian hell and finds that there is a very long
line of people waiting to get in. Amazed he asks "What do they do
here?" He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an
hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the
Malaysian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so
many people waiting to get in? "

"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,
someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former
Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the
canteen..."

[Rukee]

A man, and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the
wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying
at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said; to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death.
Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says; "OK, Get it in the car with us."
The wife says; "Where shall I put it, to get it warm?"
He says; "Put it between your legs, It's nice and warm there."
"But what about the smell?" said the wife.
"Just hold it's little nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him
with, died At the scene.

[nutcase]

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

[Snafu]

Oh man. You saw his injuries coming :lol:

[Snafu]

Follow this link (http://viral.lycos.co.uk/attachments/3939/Orgasmic_Simulator2.htm) if you're over 18. If not ask your dad what it means :lol:

(I hope I don't get banned for this :o)

[Rukee]

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not
come work
today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and
my legs hurt.
I not come work."

The boss says, "You know, Hung Chow, I really need you
today. When I
feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her ‘give me
sex.’ Makes
everything
better and I can go to work. You try."

Two hours later, Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do
what you say and
I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

[joeMan]

:lol: :thumbs:

[Snafu]

LMFAO!!!

Good one Bud :thumb:

[Jim]

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.





Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep it was fascinating."





The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".





Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."





The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."





Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.





Johnny said, "my aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her t!ts are so big she can only fasten eight."





The teacher sat down and cried.

[Snafu]

:lol:

[Sir Golitech]

:rotflmao: :rotflmao:

[Sir Golitech]

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
---A stick.


Where do you find a dog with no legs?
---Right where you left him.


Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
---Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

[Jim]

Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing
surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas . In my favorite
case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident. I reattached
them and, 8 months later, he performed a private concert for the Queen
of England.

The second surgeon said, "That's nothing! A young man lost an arm and
both legs in an accident. I reattached them and, 2 years later, he won
a gold medal in Track and Field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a
woman was high on cocaine and meth and she rode a galloping horse
head-on into an 18-wheeler traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left
to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's ass. I was
able to put them together and now she's a senator from New York .

[Snafu]

:lol:

[Jim]

Excerpts from a dog and cat diary

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

* Excerpts from a Dog's Diary *


8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



* Excerpts from a Cat's Diary*

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...

__________________

[Jim]

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He has a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[nutcase]

:lol: :lol:

[Snafu]

:rotflmao: A good one :thumb:

[Sir Golitech]

:rotflmao: a good laugh indeed :rotflmao:

[Jim]

Beer Goggles !! (http://www.beerleaguethemovie.com/beergogglesflash.htm)

[Just Learnin']

De-skankification :rotflmao:

[Esso]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."

[Just Learnin']

:) :p :lol: :rotflmao:

[Snafu]

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye (work with me here). He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him.

"You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

[Snafu]

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hair dryer: "Do not use while sleeping." [Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!]
On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." [Evidently, the shoplifter special.]
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." [And that would be how?]
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." [But it's *just* a suggestion.]
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down." [Oops, too late!]
On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." [As sure as night follows the day.]
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." [But wouldn't this save even more time?]
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." [We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.]
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." [One would hope.]
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." [As opposed to what?]
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." [I gotta admit, I'm curious.]
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts." [NEWS FLASH!]
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open packet, eat nuts." [Step 3: Fly Delta.]
On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly". [I don't blame the company. I do blame parents for this one!]
On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals". [Was there a chance of this happening somewhere? Good grief!]

[Mikki]

Holy cr@p...I haven't laughed that hard in a while......:rotflmao:

[FireDancer]

Snafu,

That was great im still rolling but you got to be freakin kidding me!!!! These are actually real?????? :eek: :coocoo:

[Snafu]

Well let's put it this way. Do you think warning are just dreamed up? Most warnings are the result of a real incident.

Still not sure what the guy was thinking when he tried to stop a chainsaw with his "genitals". Definitely not the first thing I would think of using. Maybe someone elses but definitely not mine :lol:

[FireDancer]

Well let's put it this way. Do you think warning are just dreamed up? Most warnings are the result of a real incident.

Still not sure what the guy was thinking when he tried to stop a chainsaw with his "genitals". Definitely not the first thing I would think of using. Maybe someone elses but definitely not mine :lol:

Holy Crud Sanfu!!!!!! Too Funny:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

[Esso]

Some stories are better told, and here is two of them :)

Telemarketer Nightmare (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Ve21XwzXqs&eurl)
Tom Mabe - Cemetary Telemarketer Prank (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YJlznnJR-lU)

[Sir Golitech]

I've heard the first one before, but the second one.....:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

Nice, sick, but nice.

[Just Learnin']

http://img118.imageshack.us/img118/7273/abeerbeforeitstartsrh8.jpg

[Snafu]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes to investigate.
"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and everytime I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls!"

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says...

"You f'n IDIOT! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!"

[Esso]

So Sven and Ole run into one another at the hardware store, and says "Hey Ole! How's it going?"

"Oh jeez, Sven. Not so good," he says.
"Well, what seems to be the problem, Ole?"
"Well, you see, Lena and I just haven't been able to get any sleep for weeks, Sven, donchaknow.
See, we've got this family of raccoons living under our house and they just keep chattering away all day and all night something awful!"

"Oh, Ole. You should have come to me before," says Sven. "I know just what you've got to do.
You've got to take some lutefisk and throw it right there under the house and the raccoons, they'll go away."

"Huh," says Ole. "You know, today's Sunday, and every Sunday Lena makes something special.
And that something special for the last 46 years has been lutefisk.
So if she makes lutefisk today and there's any left over, I might just throw some under the house and see if the raccoons go away."

So they both bid farewell and go their separate ways.

Well, the next week, they run into one another again at the hardware store, donchaknow. Sven says to Ole "Hey Ole! How's it going?"
"Oh jeez, Sven. Not so good," he says.

"Well, what seems to be the problem, Ole? Didn't you try the lutefisk trick?"
"Ya," he says.

"Well, what happened?"
"Well, we tried the lutefisk trick and the raccoons went away, but now we've got a family of Norwegians living under our house."

[Snafu]

:rotflmao: !!!

[Just Learnin']

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

[Cyberspy]

It is the year 2020 and call centers are opening all over
the West, as the new economic power India outsources work to
the countries where many jobs originated. Millions of
Americans, still struggling to adapt to a global economy,
are willing to accept jobs that pay them in a new currency
sweeping much of the world: EuRupees.

Some of them, eager to land one of the customer service jobs
from India, are attending special training sessions in New
York City, led by language specialist Dave Ramsey, who goes
by a simpler name for his Indian clients: Devendra
Ramaswaminathan.

On this warm afternoon, the professor is teaching three
ambitious students how to communicate with Indian customers.

Professor: "Okay, Gary, Randy and Jane, first we need to
give you Indian names. Gary, from now on, you'll be known to
your customers as Gaurav. Randy, you'll be Ranjit. And Jane,
you'll be Jagadamba. Now imagine you just received a call
from Delhi. What do you say?"

Gary: "Name as tea?"

Professor: "I think you mean 'namaste.' Very good. But what
do you say after that?"

Gary: "How can I help you?"

Professor: "You're on the right track. Anyone else?"

Jane: "How can I be helping you?"

Professor: "Good try! You're using the correct tense, but
it's not quite right. Anyone else?"

Randy: "How I can be helping you?"

Professor: "Wonderful! Word order is very important. Okay,
let's try some small talk. Give me a comment that would help
you make a connection with your Indian customers."

Randy: "It's really hot, isn't it?"

Professor: "The heat is always a good topic, but you haven't
phrased it correctly. Try again."

Randy: "It's deadly hot, isn't it?"

Professor: "That's better. But your tag question can be
greatly improved."

Randy: "It's deadly hot, no?"

Professor: "Wonderful! You can put 'no?' at the end of
almost any statement. You are understanding me, no?"

Jane: "Yes, we are understanding you, no?"

Professor (smiles): "We may need to review this later. But
let's move on to other things. Have you ever heard Indians
use the word 'yaar'?"

Randy: "Yes, my Indian friends use it all the time. Just
last night, one of them said to me, 'Randy, give me yaar
password. I am needing it to fix yaar computer."

Professor (laughs): "That's a different 'yaar,' yaar. The
'yaar' that I'm talking about means friend or buddy. You can
use it if you've developed a camaraderie with a customer.
For example, you can say, 'Come on, yaar. I am offering you
the best deal.' Do you understand, Jagadamba?"

Jane: "Yaar, I do."

Professor (smiles): "Okay, let's talk about accents. If your
client says 'I yam wery vorried about vat I bought for my
vife,' how would you respond?"

Randy: "Please don't be vorrying, yaar. She vill be wery
happy and vill give you a vild time tonight."

Professor: "Vunderful! I mean, wonderful. You have a bright
future, Ranjit. And so do you, Jagadamba. But Gaurav, you
haven't said anything in a while. Do you have any questions
about what we've just learned?"

Gary: "Yes, Professor, I do have one question: Wouldn't it
be simpler to learn to speak Hindi?"

[Just Learnin']

It was the happiest day of my life.



Arrived at church wife waiting at the altar.



Walked up the aisle.



Kissed her on the cheek, smiled.......



and closed the bloody lid....

[Sir Golitech]

:rotflmao: mean :rotflmao: but good :rotflmao:

[Jim]

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

“Tarzan not know sex,” he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, “Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.”

Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.”

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground.

“Here,” she said. “You must put it in here.”

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge member, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, “What did you do that for?”

“Tarzan check for bees.”

[DaveT]

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

“Tarzan not know sex,” he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said, “Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.”

Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.”

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground.

“Here,” she said. “You must put it in here.”

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer with his huge member, and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, “What did you do that for?”

“Tarzan check for bees.”
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

[Jim]

An elementary school class started a class project to make planters to take home to their parents. They wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of, so they decided to use cactus plants.

The students were given green-ware pottery planters in the shape of clowns which they painted with glaze. The clown planters were professionally fired at a class outing so they could see the process.

It was great fun!

They planted cactus seeds in the finished planters and they grew nicely, but unfortunately, the children were not allowed to take them home. The cactus plants were removed and small ivy replaced them and the children were then allowed to take them home instead. The teacher said cactus seemed like a good idea at the time!

Scroll Down to see why the cactus plants were removed.....
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[ol'norton]

Opps! :o
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

[Just Learnin']

Buncha prick-lys there! :yikes:

[Snafu]

:lol:

[shimmishim]

that's a good one jim.

[Jim]

This is why the chicken crossed the road.

Linkage (http://www.bleedinedge.com/crew/jim/chicken.gif)

[Just Learnin']

:rotflmao: Now that's fast food! :rock:

[Snafu]

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about American churches.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would work his way across the country from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photoraphs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read $10 000 per call. The American, being intrigued, asked a priest, who was strolling by, what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10 000 one could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10 000 he could talk to God.
“Okay, thanks” said the American.

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, New-York in every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same $10 000 per call sign under it.

Upon leaving New York, the American saw a sign for CANADA and decided to see if the Canadians had the same golden telephone. He arrived in Ottawa, Ontario and again there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read 25 cents per call.

The American was surprised and intrigued so he asked the priest about the sign, “Father, I’ve travelled all over America and I’ve seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I’m told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10 000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?”

The priest smiled and answered:

“You’re in Canada now my son, it’s a local call.”

[Snafu]

What? Not funny?

[shimmishim]

What? Not funny?

it could be taken offensively? :)

but i thought it was good... though i live in america...

okay, since you opened the door, i guess it's time for some canada bashing... then again that's not fun since people do do it all the time... :na:

:chit:

[Forsaken1]

Just wanted to thank canada for there naval support.:rotflmao:

http://www.canadianbeauts.faketrix.com/contents/comedy-stuff/pics/large-files/Canadas-Navy-fleet-peace-keepers-Naval-Forces.jpg

[Snafu]

:rotflmao:

I love that link :rock:

So guess you don't like our bathtubs, eh?

Bashing? Nah mate. If you can't laugh at yourself then you can't laugh ;)

Now I'm heading to e-bay.ca to trade in some pelts for a state of the art maple tree case. It is really cool cause it comes with its own bellows for air flow :rock:

After that I am having lunch on some whale fat ;)

:D

[Timber Jockey]

http://img235.imageshack.us/img235/7166/image01212tv6.jpg

[Timber Jockey]

http://img235.imageshack.us/img235/972/image0044ha4.jpg

[Jim]

:!:

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so

much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I
have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their
heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting
into
bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I
don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was
that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads
to
hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled
look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for
you
in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night,
I
went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one
to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.
We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I
was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me
because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, That's fine, honey."
She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling
with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear,
let's
go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out,
"No
honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "
WHAT?" I then said honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me
to
satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this
look
like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for
who
I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

[Just Learnin']

Subject: A Lesson in Marketing.....


The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.

However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing ."

Well, here it is:


1. You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to

him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.


2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.

One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's

fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.


3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his

telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in

bed." That's Telemarketing.


4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to

him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten

his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By

the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.


5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and

says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.


6. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you

talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.


7. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

That's Tech Support.


8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be

handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the

roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your

lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Junk Mail.


9. You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to you and grabs

your behind. That's the Governor of California.


10. You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were

offended. That's America.

[Jim]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f**k your brains out, and suck your t*ts dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job"

[Just Learnin']

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was
near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she
had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned
and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[Jim]

*Language Warning!*


Morning cereal (http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=e8d_1184066497) :lol:

[Pointhore]

That was a good one. :yikes: :rotflmao:

[Jim]

A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Cajun says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.


"What's this?" the boss asks


"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."


The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."


The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."


The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."

"So, when I start?"

[Jim]

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was getting old and could barely do his job anymore. The farmer figured getting a new rooster would surely improve egg production. So he bought a young **** from the local rooster emporium, and turned him loose in the barnyard.

Well, the old rooster saw the young one strutting around, and he got a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me," thought the old rooster. "I've got to do something about this."

He walked up to the new bird and said, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well, I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it three times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster.

So the race began and all the hens started cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster still maintained his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead had slipped substantially and he was just barely in front of the young rooster. Just as the young rooster was about to catch up with the old rooster, BANG! The young rooster dropped dead in his tracks.

Back on the porch of the house was the farmer with a shotgun. As he stood there slowly shaking his head, he muttered to himself... That's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

[Just Learnin']

Mad Wife Disease


A guy was sitting quietly, reading his paper when his
wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the
head with a magazine. "What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket
with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou
was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he
explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known
there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV
when she walked up and hit him in the head again,
this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him
out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the
hell was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

[eatont9999]

They Walk Among Us

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.... They Walk Among Us!!!!!!-



Just think how much money you would have saved if you had bought ten!!

[Just Learnin']

Speaks for itself,

http://img521.imageshack.us/img521/8281/image01717171va3.jpg

Snafu I fixed your cat's ear but :yikes:

http://img518.imageshack.us/img518/3045/image01616161di1.gif

[nutcase]

Six Classic Affairs

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "! Not this time!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must! be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schw artz is dead?!?!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------






The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returne d with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

[Timber Jockey]

http://img57.imageshack.us/img57/5775/iphone4964b2ob1tf8.jpg

[Timber Jockey]

http://img67.imageshack.us/img67/1170/shutup491048hk3ag0.jpg

[shimmishim]

http://img67.imageshack.us/img67/1170/shutup491048hk3ag0.jpg

OMG, you know how funny that would be if microsoft paid those two actors to do a commercial for them and they did that and PC shot MAC... :lol:

[Pointhore]

The winner:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James
Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked....

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its
men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a
finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver
found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his
incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone
waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable
and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3
days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head
wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close
he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, he
man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the
clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled,
leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got
from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you
money, is a crime committed?)

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that
he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head
at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief
on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made
of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the
woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.
Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the
car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car
and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes,
officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,
frustrated, walked away. ***A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER***

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on
a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's
sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press
charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

[Jim]

AN IN DEPTH STUDY OF SPEECH AND HEAVY DRINKING...


THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Anesthetist

4. Cinnamon

5. Chrysanthemum


THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Rhipidistian-Amphibian Transition

3. Anti-constitutionalistically

4. Transubstantiate

5. Sphygmomanometer


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:


1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.


2 Nope, no more booze for me.


3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.


4. Taco Bell ? No thanks, I'm not hungry.


5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?


6. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.


7. I'm not interested in fighting you.


8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no
coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.


9. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to hurl in the street.


10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.

[Timber Jockey]

Girls night out

The other night I was invited out for a night with
"the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by
midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down
way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just
as I Got in the door,
the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3
times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably
wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really
proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with
him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9
cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got
in, And I told him "Midnight". He didn't seem upset at
all. Whew! Got Away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I
asked him why?, he said, "Well, last night our clock
Cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. ****.",
cuckooed 4 more times, Cleared it's throat, cuckooed
another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed Twice more, and
then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

:lol: :rotflmao:

[Jim]

Aug. 2007, European Union on Higher Alert.....


The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats,
and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved".
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross".
Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance".
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.



The French government also announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide."
The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and “Collaborate".
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory,
effectively paralysing the country's military capability.



It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased its alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing".
Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".



The Germans meanwhile have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".



Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual -
the only threat that they are really worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.



Finally, the Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed boats have glass bottoms,
so that the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

[nutcase]

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

[Jim]

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married
> to other
> people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
> room on a transcontinental train.
>
> Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
> were both
> very tired and fell asleep quickly.... him in the upper
> bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and
> gently
> woke
> the woman saying,
>
> "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
> into the
> closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold. "
>
> "I have a better idea," she replied." Just for tonight, let's just
> pretend
> that we're married. "
>
> "Wow! That's a great idea! " he exclaimed!
>
> "Good, " she replied... "Get your own f*cking blanket."
>
> After a stunned moment of silence, he farted.

[Just Learnin']

The Shortest Fairy Tale Ever

============
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you
marry me?" The girl said,"NO!" And the guy lived
happily ever after and went fishing and hunting
and played golf a lot and drank beer and left the
toilet seat up.
(`~`)'s - THE END

[Timber Jockey]

Sorry this is not reall a bad joke :o :hide:

http://img37.picoodle.com/img/img37/9/9/14/f_cid006a01c7m_28c6f03.jpg (http://www.picoodle.com/view.php?img=/9/9/14/f_cid006a01c7m_28c6f03.jpg&srv=img37)http://img26.picoodle.com/img/img26/9/9/14/f_cid006d01c7m_fe44f36.jpg (http://www.picoodle.com/view.php?img=/9/9/14/f_cid006d01c7m_fe44f36.jpg&srv=img26)

[Timber Jockey]

http://img01.picoodle.com/img/img01/9/9/14/f_cid007301c7m_06e995c.jpg (http://www.picoodle.com/view.php?img=/9/9/14/f_cid007301c7m_06e995c.jpg&srv=img01)http://img26.picoodle.com/img/img26/9/9/14/f_cid007801c7m_3baa35e.gif (http://www.picoodle.com/view.php?img=/9/9/14/f_cid007801c7m_3baa35e.gif&srv=img26)

[Esso]

A Swede is drinking in a bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear,
and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife had produced a typical Swedish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Swede just shrugs, "That's about average back home, folks......like I said, my boy's a typical Swedish baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"....one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Swedish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth.
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.
So how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Swedish father takes a long swig of Aquavit, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says.....
"We had him circumcised."

[nutcase]

;)

[Timber Jockey]

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your business trip I just want to let you know about the

small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too

much about me.

I was coming home from the store and when I turned into the driveway I

accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when

it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will

forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.
XXX



--> Click Here ONLY After You Read The Joke (http://img28.picoodle.com/img/img28/9/9/20/f_image001m_178df10.jpg) <--


P.S. Your girlfriend called.

[Rukee]

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it."

[Rukee]

Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.



Dorothy: 'That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.'



Edna: 'Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M. , dressed like such a



gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me



downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and



all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne,



dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you,



Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are



coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he



tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!'



Dorothy: 'Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?'



Edna: 'No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.'

[Timber Jockey]

A guy calls his buddy, a horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend
over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male
or female horse.

"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once
over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him
up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, ca n I see her tw*t"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms
and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's hind end, pulls
him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should wephwase that; Can I thee her wun awound a
widdlebit"?

[Rukee]

BLONDE LOGIC






Two blondes living in Oklahoma were
sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do
you think is farther away.. Florida or the
moon?'






The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can
you see Florida?????'











CAR TROUBLE


















A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.






After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling
smoothly.






She says, 'What's the story?'






He replies, 'Just crap in the injecters'






She asks, 'How often do I have to do
that?'











SPEEDING TICKET


















A police officer stops a blonde for speeding
and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.






She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get
your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today
you expect me to show it to you!'











RIVER WALK


















There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes
to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she
shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'






The second blonde looks up the river then down the
river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'











AT THE DOCTOR'S
OFFICE


















A gorgeous young redhead goes into the
doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched
it.






'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show
me.'





The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left
shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more
She pushed her knee and screamed;





likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.






The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are
you?






'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a
blonde.'






'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger
is broken.'











KNITTING


















A highway patrolman pulled alongside a
speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see
that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!






Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing
lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his
bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'






'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A
SCARF!'











BLONDE ON THE
SUN






A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one
day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'






The American said, 'We were the first on the
moon!'






The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the
first on the sun!'






The Russian and the American looked at each other and
shook their heads.
'You can't land on
the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the
Russian.






To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not
stupid, you know. We're going at night!'











IN A VACUUM






A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It
was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your
name, can you hear it?'






She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or
off?'











FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE
JOKES!


















A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had
acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde
responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever
heard of someone naming dogs like that?'





'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch
dogs!'
__________________

[Timber Jockey]

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.



"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."



Confused, the father asked what was wrong.



The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

http://img31.picoodle.com/img/img31/9/9/25/f_ATT00008m_2227536.jpg (http://www.picoodle.com/view.php?img=/9/9/25/f_ATT00008m_2227536.jpg&srv=img31)

[Timber Jockey]

Why men shouldn't take messages...

http://img34.picoodle.com/img/img34/9/9/25/f_cid001c01c7m_b2f6345.jpg (http://www.picoodle.com/view.php?img=/9/9/25/f_cid001c01c7m_b2f6345.jpg&srv=img34)

[Timber Jockey]

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southerner?

Here is a little test that will help you decide. The
answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife
and two small children.

Suddenly, an Islamicist with a huge knife comes
around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah,
raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock 40 caliber, and you are an
expert shot. You have mere
seconds before he reaches you and your family. What
do you do?

...............................................................


Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the
question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything
to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away?

What does my wife think? What about the kids? What does the law say
about this situation? Why am I carrying a loaded gun
anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my
children? Does he definitely want to kill me, call 9-1-1? Why is
this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have
paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
................
...............................................

Republican's Answer:
BANG!
........................................
.......................

Southerner's Answer: *

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG!
Click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the
Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?

Son: Can I shoot the next one!

Wife: You Ain't Taking That To The Taxidermist!

[Snafu]

:lol:

[Tauvo]

http://i211.photobucket.com/albums/bb224/dbarsne/democratic_crybaby_seal.jpg

[Tauvo]

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.

''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ‘‘nice horse you got their sir, did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.'' :eek:

[Timber Jockey]

http://img02.picoodle.com/img/img02/9/10/1/f_2m_fab6a96.jpg (http://www.picoodle.com/view.php?img=/9/10/1/f_2m_fab6a96.jpg&srv=img02)

http://img33.picoodle.com/img/img33/9/10/1/f_3m_22bf2cb.jpg (http://www.picoodle.com/view.php?img=/9/10/1/f_3m_22bf2cb.jpg&srv=img33)

http://img29.picoodle.com/img/img29/9/10/1/f_4m_7cdc808.jpg (http://www.picoodle.com/view.php?img=/9/10/1/f_4m_7cdc808.jpg&srv=img29)

http://img39.picoodle.com/img/img39/9/10/1/f_8m_8c2c350.jpg (http://www.picoodle.com/view.php?img=/9/10/1/f_8m_8c2c350.jpg&srv=img39)

http://img40.picoodle.com/img/img40/9/10/1/f_5m_3670a94.jpg (http://www.picoodle.com/view.php?img=/9/10/1/f_5m_3670a94.jpg&srv=img40)

[Timber Jockey]

I know these arn't jokes but I thought I would share these. There pretty dam good.

http://img01.picoodle.com/img/img01/9/10/8/f_cid000d01c8m_1c26f44.jpg (http://www.picoodle.com/view.php?img=/9/10/8/f_cid000d01c8m_1c26f44.jpg&srv=img01)

http://img40.picoodle.com/img/img40/9/10/8/f_cid001a01c8m_c1ddbb4.jpg (http://www.picoodle.com/view.php?img=/9/10/8/f_cid001a01c8m_c1ddbb4.jpg&srv=img40)

http://img27.picoodle.com/img/img27/9/10/8/f_cid001b01c8m_739c0d1.jpg (http://www.picoodle.com/view.php?img=/9/10/8/f_cid001b01c8m_739c0d1.jpg&srv=img27)

http://img26.picoodle.com/img/img26/9/10/8/f_cid001301c8m_b1b18af.jpg (http://www.picoodle.com/view.php?img=/9/10/8/f_cid001301c8m_b1b18af.jpg&srv=img26)

http://img31.picoodle.com/img/img31/9/10/8/f_cid002401c8m_5bc1cb7.jpg (http://www.picoodle.com/view.php?img=/9/10/8/f_cid002401c8m_5bc1cb7.jpg&srv=img31)

[lakeside2189]

2 old guys are sitting by a lake and both are VERY constipated. 1 guy tells the other its been weeks for him & the other said it had been 3 weeks atleast.
Finally one of the old men said, why don't we climb out on that tree limb hanging over the lake & hang by our arms so we can really strain. They both agreed.
After about 10 min. they both heard a splash. The old guy on the right looked over to the other guy & said, boy I wish that had been me. The other guy said, I wish it had been me too. It was my pocket watch!

[Rukee]

Texas Logic

A Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a Texas engineer are all working together one day and they come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total' says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada. POOOOFF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada is forever fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians can come into our precious state.' POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Texan says, 'Genie, I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Texan sits down, cracks a Lonestar beer, smiles and says, 'I wish it was Filled it with water.'

[sandman55]

Hi Guys I haven't been here for a while I thought I would drop by and share a joke :D

The Drunk
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it’s three in the morning and it’s pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of your self!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[Rukee]

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of '****tails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[Rukee]

I`m not a Gynecologist but I`m willing to take a look. http://forums.beyondunreal.com/images/smilies/mwink.gif

[Timber Jockey]

ALL GRANDPAS, NEED THIS WARNING:
DO NOT lose your grandkids in the mall!



A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and
said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"


The little boy hesitated for a moment and then
replied, "Crown Royal whiskey and women with
big boobs"

[Just Learnin']

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....

Scared the **** out of me.

So that's it!

After today, no more reading.

[Just Learnin']

It was entertainment time at the Day Centre for the elderly and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.
People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, 'Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch ....'

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

'Crap!,' said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Day Centre.

[Timber Jockey]

The following was developed as a mental age assessment
by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University .
Take your time and see if you can rea d each line aloud
without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of
age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.








.



.

.

.




Now go back and read the third word in each line from
the top down and I betcha' you cannot resist passing
it on.

[Timber Jockey]

http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/4587/61235817oh1.png

[Timber Jockey]

Choosing A Wife


A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing
among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. S he goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.


The man was
impressed.



The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.



The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.


Obviously, the man was impressed.



The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.



Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

[Just Learnin']

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

[Mrmedia]

One time a kid told me this one

Yo mama so fat she can not even eat a watermelon. Now that's a bad dumb joke.

[Rukee]

A Green Bay Packers Fan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has produced a typical Green Bay baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25pounds, but the Packer Fan just shrugs, 'That's about average back home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Green Bay baby boy.' Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of 'WOW!'
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, you're the father of that typical GreenBay baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now?' The proud father answers, 'Seventeen pounds.'
The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. 'What happened? He
already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!'
The Green Bay father takes a slow swig from his Leinenkugel's beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says,

'...Had him circumcised.'

[Snafu]

:lol: Go Pack :rock:

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cursing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.

His Mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

[Tauvo]

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick.

She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird (s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, 'Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!' At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yup................SHE'S BLONDE

[Rukee]

Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows
When the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says 'Touchdown, tie score.'
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally ****s in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'
The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.

[Just Learnin']

Subject: Bricklayer's accident report

Possibly the funniest story in a while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This is a TRUE STORY. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 175 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.


I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.


I hope this answers your inquiry.

Bill Fuller

[bball4ever39]

HAHAHAHA...


Have you seen the myth busters where they try and bust that myth? They had an awful hard time getting the barrel to break.. and I'm sure buster wont forget it anytime soon... :lol:

[Snafu]

A teacher was explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she said.

A little girl raised her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could be, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was!", said the little girl.

"My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...

And before he could say "FUK" the Rottweiler got him!"

[Snafu]

I couldn't resist a second one :D

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off .... Or the rest of you will get the same thing."

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Oh, just a couple of minutes ago."

[Sir Golitech]

:lol::lol:

:beat: dohh!%*)(*

[Timber Jockey]

This is pretty dam funny :lol: :rotflmao:

http://img29.picoodle.com/img/img29/4/1/3/f_cid018901c8m_d0002ff.jpg (http://www.picoodle.com/view.php?img=/4/1/3/f_cid018901c8m_d0002ff.jpg&srv=img29)

[Snafu]

Now this is a toss up. Should he be mad about having a wife around to burn his bottom or glad she was around to call 911 :rotflmao:

[Just Learnin']

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of crabs.


A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally

responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.


Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom

to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"


Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself.
Men never learn.

[blwest]

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you had best put your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things do not go so well. In this case, things are not well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."
The woman said, "I don't want any of those bi****s sleeping with your father after I'm gone."



Now that's putting Your Affairs In Order

[Snafu]

A Blonde's Year in Review

January: Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February: Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March: Got really excited....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months. box said '2-4 years!'

April: Trapped on escalator for hours . power went out!!!

May: Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June: Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July: Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August: Got locked out of my car in rain storm.. car swamped because soft-top was open. September The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October: Hate M & M's.they are so hard to peel.

November: Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December: Couldn't call 911 . 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!

[Just Learnin']

Make sure you scroll down to the Map after you read the joke! Watch for the little Canadian Man to walk across the Map.

A Canadian is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Canadian ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: 'You Canadian folk eat the whole bread??'

Canadian (in a bad mood): 'Of course.'

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the Canadians.' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Canadian listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jelly with the bread??'

Canadian: 'Of Course.'

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the Canadians.'

After a moment of silence, The Canadian then asks: 'Do you have sex in France?'

Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk.

Canadian: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.'

Canadian: 'We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France.'
Hope the Canadian walks across the map for you.



http://img267.imageshack.us/img267/8218/francaisgb2.gif

[Snafu]

Smart ass Cop comments

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

4 "How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

2 "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

[Snafu]

Smart ass Teacher comments

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded.

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together .

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

[Snafu]

Why Italians Can't Be Paramedics

Vinnie and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Vinnie whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Sal is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence ... ... .. and then a shot is heard.

Vinnie's voice comes back on the line, "Okay... now what?"

[Snafu]

Some questioning from court caught in writing...

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me?

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

[Snafu]

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking. Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!

Q:I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?(England)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q:Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q:I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q:Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them
in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (England)
A: What, did your last slave die?

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big
country to your North...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q:Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada?(England)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada?(USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

[Just Learnin']

GOTTA LOVE THIS WOMAN
A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that takes everything with it when you pull it off.

Written in large black letters across the tape was the sentence: 'Get well quick.... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.'

[blwest]

Ouch!!! and no amount of soapy water helps that stuff either!

[Snafu]

Warning - some may be grossed out by this one but it is so hilarious.

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't.stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out. Then one christmas day morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare par ts, and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic foot steps as he ran into the bath room. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "honey you were right." "all these years you have warned me and i didn't listen to you".
"what do you mean?" asked his wife.

"well, you always told me that one day i would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened."

But by the grace of god, with some vaseline and two fingers. I think i got most of them back in."

[Timber Jockey]

Another Dream shattered!


http://img26.picoodle.com/img/img26/4/3/28/f_cid003d01c8m_a203fd1.jpg (http://www.picoodle.com/view.php?img=/4/3/28/f_cid003d01c8m_a203fd1.jpg&srv=img26)

Finally, someone has managed to photograph
the pot at the end of the rainbow!!!
Wouldn't you know it!!!!!
:lol::rotflmao:

[Just Learnin']

:rotflmao: I actually saw one in Canmore last summer that ended at a liquor store. :lol:

[Timber Jockey]

http://img216.imageshack.us/img216/2163/cid004f01c890f5504e38b0tj4.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

[Just Learnin']

A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money.
Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, "Did
you see me rob this bank?" the man replied, "Yes sir, I did."
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next and asked the man, "Did
you see me rob this bank?"
The man replied, "No sir, I didn't, but my wife did."

[Snafu]

This is good for a laugh ;)

[joeMan]

:yikes::thumbs::lol:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
:hide:

[Reese]

I couldn't find the original article, but it is a true story i read about not long ago and takes place at the most likely of places, California, anyway it goes like this
The cops get a call about a guy that has a high powered rifle and has barricaded himself in his house and is making threats, so the cops gather outside in their usual fashion (u know like 30 guys all waiting to get the ok to shoot, just like in the movies)
and they eventually call the swat team who manages their way around to the back and are about to enter, but the cops give conversation one last try and begin to yell that he should drop his weapon and come out quietly, well they get no reply from the house, and why did they get no reply? because somehow during California's finest thought process the man inside the house came outside and walked to the police cars, and was yelling back at the house along with the cops, (yelling for himself to come out, how ironic!)
anyway after alot of, hmmm wait a minute, and hey, u dont look like us moments, they finally figure it out
this is an honest to god story, that i read about in some school e-mail, i regret not being able to find the original post but I thought it was quite funny and confirmed my lack of confidence in the outstanding law enforcement of Cali

[Subsider]

This is good for a laugh ;)

now thats comical :rotflmao::rotflmao::rotflmao::rotflmao::rotflmao::rotflmao:

[Just Learnin']

ACTUAL KFC SIGN IN NEW YORK

http://img201.imageshack.us/img201/8518/specialfr3.jpg

[wh1tew0lf]

:rotflmao::lol::rotflmao:

[Snafu]

:lol: that is a special I can do without!

[Timber Jockey]

Redneck condos

http://img36.picoodle.com/img/img36/4/4/17/f_cid001601c8m_9786079.jpg (http://www.picoodle.com/view.php?img=/4/4/17/f_cid001601c8m_9786079.jpg&srv=img36)

[Just Learnin']

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."


The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.



The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.



The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."


The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"


The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad."


"Rubbish," replied the ****y, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.


Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.


"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"


The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.

[Just Learnin']

HOMELESS MAN

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex.

[Just Learnin']

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[Pointhore]

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

Isn't that the truth. :lol:

Hey, wasn't this joke posted on this forum a while ago? Yeah here it is http://www.bleedinedge.com/forum/showpost.php?p=255781&postcount=243 :yikes:

[Just Learnin']

Isn't that the truth. :lol:

Hey, wasn't this joke posted on this forum a while ago? Yeah here it is http://www.bleedinedge.com/forum/showpost.php?p=255781&postcount=243 :yikes:

Thus Quoth The Lurker! :rotflmao: made you post again...:hide:

[nutcase]

moved to lighting section :chit::chit:

[Just Learnin']

We could put it in a case mod thread I suppose... :scratch: Perhaps it is an LED lamp erm unh lightbulb/light bulb that is. :yup:

[ThugsRook]

How many forum members does it takes to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
.....and 5 to yell R!!! (repost) ;) :lol:

[Just Learnin']

One has to wonder if the lamp they changed was a modified pre-inverted version? http://img329.imageshack.us/img329/9418/lampzd9.jpg

[Just Learnin']

Wedding Ring

--True Story from Houston Medical Center

A man went to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his hoohoo.

According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girl friend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got so mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his hoohoo while he was asleep.

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your girl friend find out you're married
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your hoohoo
3) Or finding out your hoohoo fits through your wedding ring